| Thu, Dec 30, 2010 By Dr. Ray | ||
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Episode 32: Lessons from a 1,000 Pound Woman – Donna Simpson
On December 25th, 2010, New Jersey woman Donna Simpson sat down on a steel reinforced chair to a 30,000-calorie meal on her way to her goal weight of 1,000 pounds. To be clear, she was not working to decrease her weight to 1,000 pounds, she is attempting to gain enough weight to grace the pages of The Guinness Book of World Records as “The fattest Woman in the world”.
The meal started off with two 25 pound turkeys and two maple-glazed hams, followed by 15 lbs. of potatoes, five loaves of bread, five gut filling pounds of stuffing, four pints of creamy gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing and 20 pounds of vegetables! Well, at least she got her veggies in! To top off the meal before the diabetic coma set in, she scarfed down a desert made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies.
The most amazing part of this story isn’t the fact that Donna wants to be the fattest woman in the world, nor is it the fact that she was able to fit 30,000 calories worth of food into her stomach, the most amazing part of this story is the fact that she insists that she is healthy!
That begs the question, “How exactly does she define health?” This is really a good question to ask yourself as well. “How do you define health.” Pretty much the only way that she could rationalize her current state of health as “healthy” is if she defined health as “as long as you are still breathing.” I assure you, even though she continues to breathe, underneath it all, physically and figuratively there isn’t an ounce of “healthy” in there. The truth is, the grim reaper is speeding in her direction on a bullet-train from heaven; he’s in transit, but he just hasn’t arrived yet.
Anyway, I don’t tell this story to pick on Donna. I tell the story for your good, so that we can pick out the nuggets of learning from Donna’s situation. So you may be asking, what in the world could we learn from a woman who is trying to gain fat rather than lose fat? That’s a good question, but I assure you there is a seed of benefit to you from Donna’s story.
1. We aren’t human beings, we are human machines. My point in making this statement is not to get into a philosophical discussion about free will and the soul but to make the point that our bodies are hardware and our minds are software. For the most part, we are like robots walking this earth running the same programs every day. This is proven by the fact that scientists have estimated that 80% of the thoughts we had today, we had yesterday. The default program that makes up our operating system is “move towards pleasure and away from pain.” Everything we do is in the interest of following that prime directive. We get up in the morning and put clothes on because walking around naked would cause great emotional pain to us as people would point, laugh, ridicule and arrest us for our actions. Women spend 1-2 hours a day putting makeup on because it brings pleasure to know that they look good and going into work would bring pain to them because they would spend the day fearing the chatter that may insue, “she looks horrible!” “She looks sickly!” We gravitate towards cake and candy because it brings great pleasure and takes us out of emotional pain. It has been proven that sugar and carbs cause our body to release endorphins, a natural form of morphine to our bodies that make us feel great while killing pain. Make no mistake about it, for the most part we are human machines running the same prime program each and every day, once again, that program is, “seek out pleasure, run like hell away from pain.”
2. We gain pleasure by fulfilling our six human needs. Once again, the prime directive is seek out pleasure and avoid pain but our transport pod to that magical land of pleasure is the six human needs. The six human needs are as follows: Certainty, Uncertainty, Love and Connection, Significance, Growth and Contribution. There are a few things to remember about the six human needs:
a. These are needs, not wants. We need each of the needs to be met before we will allow ourselves to feel happy. The need that people get hung up on is the need for uncertainty. You may be thinking that uncertainty freaks you out, you don’t need uncertainty in your life, you only want certainty. I would counter that by saying that not only do you need uncertainty in your life as much as certainty but in many cases uncertainty may be even more important. Anthony Robbins once made the statement, most people believe that the certainty determines quality of life, the truth is uncertainty is what determines the quality of your life. Why? Because another word for uncertainty is variety and variety is the spice of life.
b. Something that meets my need may not meet your need. For example, knitting a hat for someone may make a grandmother feel like she is contributing to the life of that person, a grandchild for example. For me, knitting a hat would feel like a total waste of time. Neither is right or wrong, it is just the associations that we make to the activity.
c. Something that meets a particular need for me, may meet a totally different need for someone else. For example, roller coasters may mean total certainty to one person because they are certain that they are going to get a thrill from it, whereas to another it may mean total uncertainty and bring feelings of terror rather than thrill.
d. As for love and connection. In the absence of love, we will accept connection as a surrogate. This may be why many people will stay in a relationship that lacks feeling of love, because at least they feel connected.
e. Finally a very, very important principle surrounding the 6 human needs…It something or someone meets at least 3 of these needs to a high degree, it becomes an addiction.
Let’s go back to the discussion of Mrs. Donna. If what I say is true then Donna’s goal to weigh 1,000 pounds must meet her needs in some way. Let’s start with certainty. Certainty can mean many things, it can mean feeling safe and secure. It can mean feeling that you will always be financially secure, it can mean feeling certain that other needs will be met. This journey that she is taking is not happening in secret, Donna wanted to get this story out. In fact, Donna now makes a living by being fat, she gets paid to make public appearances and she even has a website where people actually pay to watch her eat. Financial security…check. Although financial security is one level of certainty gained by this venture, certainty and security can be found peppered throughout her story. So this podcast is about you, not her so I want you to think, how are your unhealthy habits meeting the need of certainty?
1. Are you certain that you can go from feeling bad to feeling good by eating a donut, a bowl of pasta, an entire bag of chips?
2. Are you certain that going home and spending 4 hours on the couch watching TV will bring you peace after a busy day’s work?
3. Are you certain that you will no longer be bored if you get up from your desk to go and grab a candy bar and/or a soda?
Really think about it, think about how you may be meeting your need of certainty through unhealthy habits. Write them down.
Moving on…uncertainty. Are you kidding me? She is getting paid to make public appearances on stages and shows. She gains variety by eating anything that she wants. She probably gets tons of mail from strange fans, presents and probably even money. Mail is probably like opening a Cracker Jack box, What is the prize gonna be this time? She is being interviewed all the time! Variety is all over the place.
How are your unhealthy habits meeting your need for uncertainty and variety?
1. The most common way is through variety in food. Many people love to eat because each meal, or even each bite can add variety to their lives. Same boring day at work? Just make a big dinner full of fantastic flavors and plenty of carbs and fat…instant variety
2. Eating out at restaurants with friends brings variety and uncertainty!
Onward to love and connection? Certainly, she must not be gaining feelings of love and connection from getting fat! Wrong again! She tells reporters that one day she happened upon a website that celebrated obese women. After posting her actual weight, she started getting emails and presents from men who admired her and loved her because she was overweight. In fact, she married a steakhouse chef at age 19 who loved when she gained weight. Love and connection…check! Double check! It should be noted that many of us also find love and connection in eating and sometimes being overweight. For many, eating is a social activity and in some cases we believe that if we lose weight our friends may leave us because they may no longer feel comfortable around a new spelt you. For some spouses, they fear that if their spouse succeeds at losing weight, they may leave them for a thinner mate. So they poison their efforts by bringing home Kentucky Fried Chicken. There is no doubt about it, we are complicated creatures.
Do you gain love and connection through unhealthy lifestyles and/or excess weight?
Significance is a given in her case, I have no idea what she did when she was younger and wasn’t the woman who was trying to weigh 1000 pounds. I had no idea who she was and I probably would have never heard of her. Now, millions of people know her name, why? Because she is fat. Once again, she gets paid for public appearances and she even has people paying to watch her eat. Let’s not forget that she is now officially immortalized as the “Fattest Mommy” in the Guinness Book of World Records and, if she survives the journey, she will also be inducted into the book as the fattest woman ever recorded in history. Needless to say, significance is being met on many levels.
How are your unhealthy habits meeting the need of significance?
1. Does being overweight make you feel significant in some strange way? Don’t dismiss it, trust me, it is more common than you think. This is especially a problem for men, I call it “Silver Back Syndrome”. Among gorillas, the silver back is the largest, strongest gorilla in the bunch. Size and strength makes them significant and some men gain the same kind of feeling of significance from their size. Some women gravitate to them and propagate this feeling by feeling secure in their physical girth.
2. Does going to the gym and surrounding yourself with thinner, more fit people cause you to feel LESS significant? Remember, we steer away from pain even more than we steer towards pleasure!
Growth and Contribution are considered the spiritual needs. We need to feel like we are growing as a human being and contributing to society. Aside from the obvious, Donna does meet the need of growth through her story. She tells reporters of how she was unhappy when she was trying to lose weight and how she was on the verge of having gastric bypass when a friend of hers died during a similar procedure. She felt that her friend’s death was a “sign”, she found then and there that “I like being the way that I am.” That was a moment of acceptance and growth to her. In reality, it was a realization that her needs are being met by her current actions and the surgery would somehow short-circuit the conduit by which she meets those needs. Nonetheless, she took it to be her woe to win story from which she built the foundation of her business of being fat. That, in her own eyes, was growth from not loving herself to loving herself. I feel that, if she lives long enough, she will one day realize that in fact, what she saw as “loving herself” was actually a mirage that had her traveling in the wrong direction the whole time.
How do you find growth in your unhealthy habits?
1. Do you find growth in becoming skilled in the culinary arts?
2. Do you find growth by reading diet books?
3. Do you grow in your relationships by eating socially?
4. Do you grow by going to business parties and networking events?
Contribution…From what I can tell, Donna believes that she is contributing to the world by bringing the message to the world that, it is okay to be obese as long as you love yourself. It appears that she feels like a champion for overweight people everywhere by screaming at the top of her lungs, “its okay to be fat!” She even goes on to say, “I love eating and people love watching me eat. It makes people happy and I’m not harming anyone.”
Unfortunately, her message is also a mirage. You see, you can’t find self-love by doing things that shorten your life or harm your health. You can’t claim self-love when you sell your one precious life for an interesting story and a page in a book that practically no one reads. Sadly Donna, your contribution is a mirage.
I disagree with her assessment; people are being harmed. No doubt, her children will be harmed as they grow up believing that health is not a priority. Certainly, there are people out there, frustrated with weight loss failure that may look to her story and decide that, “I’m fine just the way I am.” It’s true, you are lovely just the way you are, you should feel great about yourself no matter what your weight, you shouldn’t feel shame just because your body has accumulated extra biological material we call fat. But I believe that your external world is a representation of your internal world no matter what you say out loud to the mirror in the morning. If your home is a mess, your brain is likely messy too. If your body is unhealthy, your emotions and your brain are likely unhealthy as well.
So do you feel that your unhealthy habits are somehow contributing to the people in your life or the world as a whole?
Women are especially prone towards meeting the need of contribution in such a way that costs them their health. They will prioritize the needs of others at the expense of their own time and health. Many more women than men contribute to the people of their lives by nurturing them, and that nurturing takes time and emotional energy. For those of you who fall into this group, remember, the best thing that you can do for your loved one is to keep breathing!
I hope that this sad and amazing story of Donna Simpson has helped you to understand a bit more about yourself. When I had brought this story up during my weekly weight loss group, people reacted with scowls on their faces. One participant said, “Oh my, that’s disgusting! Why would someone do that?” This is the common reaction to Donna’s story, but the amazing thing is we all do what Donna is doing. Perhaps not to the same exaggerated level, but there is nothing disgusting about her story, Donna is simply a human machine who is trying to meet her own needs. Once we understand that, we can start to go introspective and we will begin to see how we too do silly things to meet our needs and then rationalize them in the same way as Donna. We just choose different ways of transportation to that distant land of perceived pleasure.
